Help me...

I don't know what's happening to me, I'm a monster. I want to kill. It's twisted and fucked I know but I ALWAYS have this urge to kill! Like I was standing by the lift listening to my ipod, a lady walks past. I stared at her, I wanted to kill her violently in the lift. I realized that I was moving forward, and immediately stepped back. Like seriously?? 


I was on a swing at Carla & Ryan. Their cat was running across the yard. I swear I almost killed that too! But it's really weird when whenever I see someone or something which is alive, I want to kill it!! I was on the verge of getting off the swing and running after it. 


Everyone was watching, I couldn't. 


Basically I think that if this continues I will end up killing someone without a doubt...


It's such a strong fucking urge!! IT'S FUCKED UP! I don't know what happened, I'm just so DESTRUCTIVE. I want to destroy everything and everyone all the fucking time... 


I feel too cool for school. Literally. Like, who the fuck do my parents think they are sending me to school? Like HELLOO!?? I AM A SATANIST. I DON'T WANT TO SEE JEWS. I DON'T GIVE A FUCKING SHIT!! I AM BETTER THAN SCHOOL!!!! 

Movies. ;)

I like movies, well I mean watching them is cool but I find making them is much more entertaining. =]


So yesterday I was so damn bored I made like a random video, I mean it was a trailer to a movie which never existed! BUT it was fun. :) It made no sense, basically of a haunted town...


I've decided to make another video today, I don't know if Sally is going to come over or not coz she has so much homework even though it's on the weekend. =[ 


I hope she does, I have so many fun things we could do. It would be like the best sleepover yet. xD


I mean of course all of them involve cameras. But that's what makes life fun right? Cameras. Maybe I'm a little OTT about this but it's my passion! xD It issss and it's like, it's a part of my soul. Making movies is a part of my soul, along with the movie 'Jennifer's Body.' It's a part of me! AND my phone. Oh yes. It's earned a large selection of my soul. But my laptop & ipod are bigger. X)


HAHA! That last paragraph failed a little bit. =P 
But still. I'm being truthful here.


I just fucking hope she comes. Without her, I'll be so bored. Yesterday I got so bored I went to sleep. *_* That is sad. 
So what else has been on my mind... umm... like nothing really. All I know is I really dislike my mom and never want to return to her. EVER. I mean, I know this is mean but I actually don't want to be her daughter anymore. She's basically destroying me. I'll be having such a nice and fun day, but then SHE comes along and ruins it by screaming at me, asking me to do stuff, then expecting me to apologize for being a bitch. FUCK HER. I HATE HER. 


I won't apologize for being me! And NO ONE tells me what to do! And if they do, I just MIGHT do it and IF I DO I WILL HAVE A COMMENT TO MAKE! THAT is me. I am me and I will NOT change under any circumstances.


At school, the reason I don't have like 40 friends like everyone else is because I'm different. I'm not going to hide it. I won't lie to you and tell you I like Justin Bieber. I'll mock him. I won't pretend to be someone I'm not JUST to seem nice. Coz I'm not nice. SO FUCK YOU. 


I am who I am, I don't give a shit what people think because no one controls me.


I'm not saying I'm perfect, I'm saying I'm better than them ;]

Latest news!! xD

Okay, so I haven't blogged for awhile. WELL I have some news, I continued my research on Satanism and about 2 days ago dedicated my soul to Him! It may be weird, but everything I ask him to do, he does! Like my mom's bf was gonna come over, I hate him. I asked Satan to make something happen so he wouldn't come over, and maybe I could go to the park. Simple, but it worked! *3 minutes* later I got a phone call from my mom,"He's not coming anymore..." AND I went to the park, and she never usually lets me. That could have been a coincidence, so I tested it again.


I asked Him to not do an oral, for class, and I didn't have to do it!! My phone got confiscated, usually they take the phone for a week, I asked Him that they'll give it back to me, and THEY DID. 


Now, I decided one last thing, the teacher who confiscated my cell phone, I wanted revenge. Doing a ritual could go back on me and cause my death, so I asked Him to embarrass her. We were sitting in hebrew. She's shouting at how she confiscated my phone and how I won't get it back for a week, meanwhile the Grade Head and I had a deal, I would keep my mouth shut and she wouldn't know that he gave my phone back. Guess what? People were laughing... in.her.face. She's like oblivious! After all of that, I knew it was time to dedicate my soul to Him, after all he had done. I wrote a thing in my own blood, and he's been good to me. =] 


I told my one friend, she's in shock. I have an online friend who's also a satanist, he's been teaching me things about the whole religion. Its cool... BUT now lets move onto this guy.




His name is Zardoss, he's hot and satanic. He's nice and stuff, but I only ever thought of him as a friend... a friend and only that. I logged onto Facebook, and saw all these statuses about love and stuff, how he hates it. All of a sudden he's telling me how he loves this girl, and he doesn't know what to do. He feels weak and stupid because he really likes this girl. I was giving him advice, he was freaking out! Then he said..."I like you, it was you.. I can bet you didn't expect this.. well bye bye because now I'm going to get as drunk as a Bulzebub.. I'll talk to you in maybe 6 hours, 6 minutes and 6 seconds if the lord has punished me for what I've done.."


I didn't know what to say! What CAN you say?? I spoke to him again, he needed 3 stitches because he did a ritual that is supposed to stop his emotions, but it made things worse. I don't get this, it's lame and pathetic... I mean, we're never gonna meet. He lives in Europe, and I only like him as a friend anyways...


He seemed against the idea of liking me, so I had to go along with it. TO SEE these statuses,"Being rejected sucks.." "I am in pain, I will fade into darkness, my emotions will fade too with your cold reply..." I mean like, WHAT CAN I DO? This isn't my fault. 


So now I feel bad even though I didn't do anything... bleh, anyways Satan will fix this for me. =]

Interesting night.

Today was the J&B Met. Carla, Bianca's sister entered a dress and suit for a guy. She came first place, amazing. =] No one thought she would win but she did. 


That night (tonight.) we went to Carla's house for a celebration... it was pretty fun. The first thing I did was start listening to my ipod and go on the swing. Then i took out my laptop and started making a remix of deathstars.


I heard screaming and saw they were playing 30 seconds and bianca was shouting how my dad was cheating. i took this opportunity to take a video. so i did. i made a little clip. pretty funny.


then dylan (bianca's mom's husband.) got sooo drunk he was stumbling to the kitchen. i will never forget that. :D 
i got that on video too. tonight was pretty fun... 

Random random...

Today I was kicked out of class along with 4 other guys.
1 was my ex...
2 was my enemy.
3 was ook.
4 was a random guy.


SO we sat outside the principal's office for 45 minutes.
It was awkward and fun. 
I mean they discussed iPhones and shit, all I did was sit quietly. So they started talking to me, I was sooo embarrassed. 
Anyways, nothing much is going on. 

Satanism...

Lately, I've been thinking. I don't believe in god. I just believe in Satan, if that makes sense. 
It looks like an okay religion. I think I want to convert...

GET ME OUT OF HERE.

WOW. When i arrived at school, I immediately found some friends. Gabi, Devorah, Zena, Samara and Ashley...


Nice. Then Romy arrives, friggen legend. Romy is awesome. Then Celene arrives. Awesome, looks like this year is gonna be freakin rad.


They start choosing classes. "Rael, Adam,  Daniel,.." they went on. I was getting so happy- I hated all those people and they were gonna be all in one class so I wouldn't have to worry!!


THEN the last name is... mine. 
I almost died. I had a nightmare that I was in Adam's class, Daniel is my evil ex! Sholem is a motherfucker annoyance... Kaylin, oh fuck kaylin... Jessie, Kayla, I got everyone that I didn't like or didn't know. 


There's this new girl in our class. She seemed cool. When the teacher asked her where she lived and why she moved... WOW it was a total no no. " I used to live ___. We sold our farm** and moved here!!" 


DUDE I WILL NEVER BEFRIEND SOMEONE WHO OWNED A FARM. Farms are SO GROSS. 


EW.  


When I was put in the class, I almost fainted. I didn't know what to do with myself. Stare at my painful wrist. :'( Marc had to sit next to me... I sat at the edge of my chair. It's not like there's something wrong with him, I just get sooo freaked out all the time now. It's like, I'm so creepy! Like I hate hugs, I don't want people touching me, I want a 1 meter radius of personal space. Not like that's gonna happen but still...I got shat on by Mrs Cook 3 TIMES TODAY. Is that necessary??


Oh my god. I don't know how I'm supposed to handle this class. Everything is failing for me. Daniela is in my class- for the 3rd year in a row. She hates me. I tell you she hates me!! She keeps going on and complaining how we're in the same class yet AGAIN. 
Is there something wrong with me? Am I so bad that you don't even want to greet me?
I don't know how to handle this...
AHA. Kim left. Oh yes. Kim left the friggen school. She's in Joburg now. FUCK YEAH. I'll NEVER SEE that bitch again. =]


My dad is taking me to the psychologist today called Jenny Twiggs... I can't take that name seriously. Jenny Twiggs. 


*British accent.* Jenny Twiggs, please collect your luggage at terminal 4. Your flight is leaving shortly. 


I am Jenny Twiggs- your pilot speaking. 


Hello, welcome to the Absa House building- I am Jenny Twiggs.


I MEAN GOSH YOU CAN'T TAKE SOMEONE SERIOUSLY IF THEIR NAME SOUNDS LIKE SOME BRITISH SOAP OPERA'S CHARACTER'S NAME. 


I hope this year is ok. OH and I forgot to mention I got the worst teachers in history. =] 


Yeah. Apparently I don't show much emotion. I think I show a lot- too much. I was sooo uncomfortable sitting next to Marc, I mean FUCK how could people NOT notice it?? 


I felt like he was gonna eat me. Or he was gonna infect me with some deadly sickness if I was too close. I don't think I've ever been so petrified of someone in my life. It's so pathetic how I'm scared of people... maybe it's like a mental illness? I can't make eye contact, and when I do I can't hold it very long. 


Eye contact rips me apart. There is something DEFINITELY wrong with me. Normal teens don't have these problems. When I go to a mall, I feel SO insecure I am actually scared of like everything. Little kids freak me out, hot guys make me wanna hide, old people same I just don't know what's happening to me!!


I don't think that's being shy. I'm sure it's some weird name with like 'ist' or 'ea' or 'sion' in it. 


Maybe with the letters either P, G, W, H, F or C in it. Mental illnesses have such random letters. :/ Anyways I'm gonna go to **Jenny Twiggs* now. =] 
LOL. WISH ME LUCK MOTHERFUCKERS. =]